fork in the road

Diamonds Are Made Under Pressure

08 May 2014Uncategorized1 comment

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Mid July, was staring me in the face. All of our talk of Steve becoming a dad would soon be a reality. The thoughts, ideas, dreams, and what-ifs would be a thing of the past.

Steve and I were at his town home making dinner together as usual. Our time together seemed to grow more serious. We both were trying to find a balance in the situation.

For me, I was battling being supportive whole-heartedly. I knew I was going to support him the best I could, even though my heart was torn. The day he would become a dad would be a joyful day for him and a heartbreaking one for me. Don’t get me wrong, I would love that little boy with all of my heart, but my dreams were shattered.

I had always dreamed that I’d be sharing the rookie year of parenting with my husband. Instead, my boyfriend would be experiencing this first with another woman. Ouch!

Steve had gotten over the initial shock of being a father. He was so excited to be a dad, yet I knew he struggled with how all of this made me feel. He knew how hurt I was, and was very sensitive to that.

He communicated his feelings for me very clearly to me to thwart off any doubt in my mind about how he felt about me. Having a child with another woman wasn’t going to change his feelings for me, and he flat out told me that.

He wanted to be with me and only me.

 

He checked our food on the stove and said “Ash, come here,” as he motioned me into the kitchen, patted the counter, inviting me to sit down.

 

Okay, I thought. What is he doing?

 

“I just want you to know that I may not always say this to you in the exact same way, or show you in the exact same way, but I just want you to know…” He reached under my legs, pulled open the kitchen drawer and took out a small box.

 

My heart sank…

 

“I love you.”

 

Speechless, I looked down at the box, (with a sigh of relief that it wasn’t a ring), to see a beautiful pair of diamond earrings.

My mind was spinning through the rolodex of responses I could give. I wasn’t sure of what type of response he thought he’d get. Oh my goodness, he just told me he loved me! I can’t say it back; I’m not ready to say it back.

 

“Thank you.”

 

I put my arms around his neck and gave him big a hug.

“That was really thoughtful, thank you.” I proceeded to put the earrings on.

No one had ever bought me diamond earrings before, but it was totally in Steve’s character to be thoughtful and giving. Like the time he bought me my own pair of pink Title boxing gloves.

He was so selfless, and was always willing to help people any way he could. There were so many things I adored about him, far beyond any gift he could ever give me. Would those qualities and my feelings outweigh my fear of this situation?  Was I really going to walk into all of this and choose this life for myself?

Steve made me feel so special that day, yet I knew there would be challenges to come, especially in the days ahead.

 

 

 

Oh baby, Part 2

23 Apr 2014Dating6 comments

 

I was silent.

 

Thoughts were riffling through my mind.

How could this be?

When did this happen?

I thought we were on the same page?

This wasn’t what I wanted. Surely he knew that.

What was he thinking?

 

We walked in silence. What had been an evening of joy and laughter quickly turned into confusion, hurt and disbelief.

He didn’t try to fill the conversational void by justify anything about the situation. He didn’t give me any excuses.

We walked up his driveway into his townhouse and sat down on the couch.

Why was this happening? Why was it that I found myself in another situation where I felt like I was again, being faced with dealing with the repercussions of someone else’s decisions? Why couldn’t things be simple?

Things were going so well. There always had to be something. Something I’d have to be accepting of or that I’d “deal with.”

Maybe Steve wasn’t who I thought he was…

I was crushed. I didn’t even know what to say and I didn’t say a word for a long time.

Steve didn’t know what to do.  I could see he wasn’t sure whether to hug me, hold my hand, or if he should keep his distance.

 

Tears streamed down my stoic face.  I was in a daze.

He sat by my side and put his hand on mine.

I wiped my tears.

 

“Ash, I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you sooner but I wanted to be sure about us.”

 

Steve was sincere in his apology and he apologized several times. I believed him, and I believed in him, but it didn’t make this news any easier to take. I was hurt and I felt betrayed. How could he leave me in the dark about something so huge? Who else knew? How many people had I met that knew he was going to be a dad and I didn’t even know? For crying out loud, I was dating him and I didn’t even know?

 

My gaze shifted from a far off place, to his face.

“I know you’re sorry and I believe you… I’m feeling a lot of different emotions right now.”

I told him exactly how I felt.

Hurt. Betrayed. Deceived. Confused. Sad. Disappointed. Upset. Crushed.

His eyes welled up, and  we were both crying. We wiped each other’s tears.

It was then I felt God nudging me to say something… He filled me with compassion, and gave me the words that God knew Steve needed to hear in that moment.

“Steve, you’re going to be such a great dad.”

He smiled a little, sniffled, and breathed a sigh of relief. Those words made him tear up even more. It was as if hearing those simple words provided him with the heavenly assurance he needed to hear and the load of his secret had been lifted off his shoulders.

We were now comforting each other. He knew I was completely crushed and I knew he was terrified.

I asked him questions about what had happened. Who was this other woman? When did this happen? What was his plan? And a bunch of other questions I won’t re-hash online.

I could see how shaken he was by the reality of what being a father meant for his life. Major changes were coming whether he was ready for them or not.

Again I wiped my tears. My heart had just taken a devastating blow.

I wasn’t angry with him, but I knew we had just hit a major fork in the road.