crossroads

In All Things, God Works for the Good of Those Who Love Him

05 May 2014Uncategorized0 comments

 

Steve and I continued to spend time together. I couldn’t help but feel the weight of this decision on my shoulders both when we were together and apart. It was always on my mind.

We had more conversations about the whole situation and God continued to work in my heart. This wasn’t going to be easy. I was battling the hurt in my heart and the jealousy of what this woman took from me, and what Steve chose to give away.

“So, how or when are we going to tell my parents?” I asked.

“Ash, I want to be the one to tell them. This was a decision that I made and it shouldn’t be your responsibility to tell them.”

I was relieved. I had no idea how I’d even attempt to explain this one. My heart melted because he knew what all of this was doing to me, and he really manned-up.

In all my praying I never felt that I was supposed to leave Steve. There was something about him that made me want to stay. I tried to view this situation through the eyes of Jesus, because I know that He’s smarter than I am.

 

 

Romans 8:28

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 

 

There had to be something good that would come from this mess. A child, for one, is always a blessing; a true gift and miracle from God. There had to be more that God was trying to do in this situation, but I didn’t know what.

It would have been a totally different ball game if Steve were running away from the situation and the responsibilities that came with it. I wouldn’t have been around for that train wreck. Maybe God was trying to get Steve to grow up or get his attention?

He embraced the situation and he was excited to be a dad, and not only that, he was having a boy! He was so excited to be having a little “dude.”

I really struggled with the balance of being supportive and my own feelings. I tried to mask this struggle, but there was a lot going on in my head and in my heart. I tried my best to be encouraging even if it stung.

Our friends Rod and Dee decided to host a baby shower for Steve on June 27, 2010. I was so grateful that Steve had such great friends who were so supportive of him.

It was difficult to be the woman in Steve’s life that he cared about, but yet not be part of the baby shower.  Instead, the woman who was carrying his child would be there. (I haven’t decided if I want to include her name).

Steve would soon be experiencing one of the most important events in his life mid July, but I wouldn’t be there to experience it with him.

 

Instead, I’d be sitting on the sidelines…benched.

 

 

 

 

Limbo, not just a game for birthday parties

27 Apr 2014Major Decisions5 comments

I was dating a man that was going to be a dad. How in the world was I going to deal with this bomb that was dropped on me? He was going to be the father to a child he had with another woman. Could I handle the life-long connection that we’d be forced to have with this other woman? If I stayed with Steve and we got married, that meant I’d be a step-mom…me a step-mom? Can my heart handle all of this and do I actually want to welcome this into my life?

I had flashbacks to our date at Seven downtown Minneapolis. I told him

I think everything has order. I don’t want to have sex before I’m married, I don’t want to have children before I’m married.When things get out of order, things gets messy and God planned it that way for a reason.

I did the math, and Steve knew he was going to be a dad well before the date in which I “laid down the law.” I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind as those words came out of my mouth.

I also couldn’t understand why he thought he’d continue to pursue me even though he knew what my stance was. There would never be an easy transition of telling me the truth, yet he never jumped ship.

I wasn’t just dealing with the reality of what the situation was and my feelings about it, but I couldn’t begin to imagine if I chose to continue in this relationship, how would I ever tell my parents? All of this was so against what I’ve stood for all my life.

It’s not that I look down on people that have children out of wedlock, but I don’t agree with it. There is a reason why God says no to sex before marriage. Some people view that as his way of “sucking the fun” out of your relationship, or “it’s my right to do what I want” but really it’s God’s way of providing a hedge of protection for our hearts.

God tells us in Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  Why unite yourself as one body with someone to that level of intimacy without having God’s blessing to do so?

My thoughts on sex before marriage also looked like this: if getting married to me right now scares you, then there’s no way I’m going to have sex with you. If you’re not ready for that level of commitment, then you’re definitely not ready for that level of intimacy. You do not have permission to cross my threshold.

This stance doesn’t come from a place of arrogance, but rather identity in Christ. He has gone before me, been tempted in every way, yet he never failed. He knows the lengths that Satan goes to tempt us, but no matter how much you love someone or think you do in that season of that particular relationship, God will bless you much more in your obedience to him, instead of you satisfying your own human desires.

Now this situation was less than ideal, but I do know that even in this mess, God had a plan.

I prayed about our relationship and asked God to guide me and show me what He wanted for my life. Could this really be His plan for me? I wanted Him to make it obvious as to what my steps forward would be. I had countless conversations with Mel (my sister) about all of this and I didn’t have an immediate answer.

 

 

I continued to pray…