Know Your Source

28 May 2014Uncategorized0 comments

After my parents met Steve for the first time, we continued to spend more time together both as a couple and with my family. The day in which we’d tell them about baby JT was a long ways off. We’re talking months.

 

Steve had the idea to take my dad to a Twins game, and then tell him about baby JT. That idea didn’t go as planned, because they ended up talking about other things, one of them being me competing in figure. If you don’t know what that is, you can read more about it here.

My dad never liked the idea of me competing because he didn’t agree with me being in a swimsuit, on a stage in front of hundreds of people, being judged like I was at a cattle auction. I know his perspective is out of his love for me and wanting to protect me as his daughter, so I will never fault him for that.

There are several views on the sport of figure and the world of bodybuilding. Every one competes their own reasons, and if you’re part of the culture, there more depth to your understanding and your norm is different than those outside of that culture because you’ve experienced it.

Some people compete because they love the challenge of contest prep—the rigorous hours of training, a disciplined diet and the gratification victory. This victory doesn’t always come in the form of a title or taking home hardware, because for some, the growth that occurs in the journey is the greatest form of victory.

Some people have the goal of stepping on that stage after major weight loss and celebrating the achievement of their goal. Some people do enjoy the attention and the glamour of being on stage and having the body that many people spend their life wishing for. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I enjoy that part too.

I love competing because every thing about the sport stretches me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Training pushes me to dig deep in each of these areas and the growth that I experience is priceless. I like pushing myself beyond what I originally thought was possible, because it is then I truly discover what I’m capable of.

What I’m capable of goes well beyond myself. My strength is not my own, but it comes from Christ.  My family’s verse is Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

 

I am who I am and I have achieved what I have achieved because of Christ.

 

No matter how mentally tough I think I am, how strong I think I am physically,  how dialed in my physique is, or how  “in-check” my emotions are, the most important aspect is the spiritual side of my training—my faith.

 

As I sit here and write this post, I was prompted to write this:

 

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The Holy Spirit prompts me when I write and at other random times. I get a burst of inspiration and then I run to find a pen or my phone so I can record the words I’m given. This is what came to me today.

Nothing we achieve matters if we don’t recognize where that success comes from. I don’t win because of anything I’ve done. I win because God has given me the body, ability, discipline, faith, heart, confidence, and endless means to succeed.  All that I have and all that I am is because He is my source. My eternal victory is secure because of what He has done for me. Victory in Christ is the only victory that truly matters.

Growing in my faith is the best part of figure. I get pushed to the limit when I train and no matter how tough I think I am, there’s always a point where my strength is not enough, and in all actuality, it never will be.

I draw closer to Jesus because I’m literally depending on Him to deliver. He will always provide, and He promises that.  What He provides may not always look the way I thought it would, but ultimately He knows what’s best.

 

 

My next figure competition would be the North Star on Saturday October 2, 2010. This would be my first competition in which Steve trained me from beginning to end. For my other competitions he started helping me in the final weeks of  contest prep.

My goal in competing in the North Start was to win the show, but really what I wanted was to qualify for the national competition that would be held on October 16, 2010 in Atlanta. In order to qualify to compete on the national stage I had to place in the top three of my height class.

 

This was the moment I was waiting for…

 

 

 

 

 

Victoria’s Not the Only One With a Secret

22 May 2014JT, Major Decisions1 comment

It was real. Steve was a father and our talk of him becoming a dad was reality. Gone were the days when we’d discuss the what-ifs and how we’d handle things because this baby was here.

Now this situation wasn’t your typical parenting setup. Being that Steve and the mother of his son weren’t in a relationship, they set up time for Steve to have quality time with JT every day. As you probably know, newborns don’t spend time away from their mothers for obvious reasons, so Steve made daily visits to see his little dude.

 

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My role was unique in that, the day that Steve would be able to have JT on his own was far off, so I didn’t know when I’d actually get to meet him. This meant that I’d only know and experience JT from what Steve shared with me. This little boy was a major part of his life, and my role in loving him was still from a distance. Every time Steve would go visit him, I’d ask how he was, what he did, what it was like to see JT at her house, and of course I wanted to see pictures of him. The fact that Steve was now a father gradually became easier for me, except for one thing.

 

My parents had no idea.

I was keeping the biggest secret of my life from the people that I loved the most. It was incredibly hard to hide something so huge from them. There were times that I felt I was living a double life and being deceitful, but I knew that I wanted to respect Steve’s wishes. He wanted to tell them himself.

 

The Parentals Meet Steve

 

It was a blazing hot summer day and my family (Dad-Brian, Mom-Jody and Sister-Melia), Steve and I were at Centennial Lakes Park for some mini golfing. This was the first time Steve met either of my parents. I’m not sure why we picked that day, because it was ridiculously hot, but we golfed anyway. That day was the sweaty equivalent to my previous Nickelback date with Steve.

My family is very competitive. We usually make some wager in whatever sport or game we’re competing in just to up the ante.  I’m not sure what was on the line, but we all wanted to win.

It was Steve’s turn. We were all circled around the outer portion of the green and my dad just happened to be standing behind Steve.  Steve positioned himself to make his putt, when he turned around with a witty grin on his face and questioned my dad, “Are you looking at my butt?”

My dad was stunned! His face turned red, as he assured, “Noooo!”

Steve chuckled and went about business as usual, continuing to take his turn.

I glanced at my dad and gave him a wide-eyed, pursed lip, shoulder shrug. My measly attempt to say I’m sorry, trying to pretend that awkward exchange never happened. Sometimes I felt Steve and his humor needed a muzzle or a mute button, even though I was fully aware that’s who he was. He always had to take things one giant leap beyond comfortable.

I wanted to give Steve an elbow, hoping he’d get the hint to pipe it, but really, I was most embarrassed for my dad.

What was Steve thinking! I was fully aware of Steve’s lack of a filter, but cripes! He had just met my dad and was up to his Steve Toms antics.

 

It was many months later that I asked my dad what he thought of Steve, hoping that Steve’s comment was long forgotten, but of course it wasn’t .My dad said, “Well, I thought he was weird.” He told my mom, “That guys, gotta be weird. What a terrible way to try to impress me.”  We had a good laugh about it, but man was it uncomfortable at the time.

 

My parents were getting used to Steve being part of my life and theirs. We discussed when the appropriate time would be to tell my parents about JT. We went back and forth about it several times.

Steve wanted my parents to get to know him for the man that he truly was, and then tell them that he had a son. He was taking full responsibility of telling them himself and he wasn’t going to shy away from the situation. He had to tell them the truth. I was relieved I wouldn’t be the one to break the baby news to my parents on my own.

Keaton and Mel knew– of course I told Mel right away. She’s my sidekick and I needed to confide in someone.

 

Like I said before, I was raised with strong Christian values, in that there’s order in life. God gives us guidelines and expectations to live by for a reason. He has gone before us and knows the difficulties, heartbreak, and disappointment, and all the other consequences that we’ll face from living a life misaligned from his will. I still believe that God knows best and that getting married before having children is the best plan. I also know that God can take a mess and turn it into something beautiful.

 

I just prayed my parents would be able to see it the same way.

 

 

 

It’s a boy!

20 May 2014JT0 comments

I waited for hours, wondering when I’d hear from Steve.  Time, ticking by ever so slowly as each minute painfully dragged on.

My mind wouldn’t rest. I imagined what the whole scene would be like. The two of them in the delivery room, what sort of exchange would they have? Would he hold her hand and encourage her just as he did me—not in delivery of course.  How did they even interact anyway? I mean, it has to be such an awkward experience to figure out how to act with the woman who was giving birth to your child when you’re in love with someone else, or at least I think it would be.

However they interacted, I don’t know. I just know that if I kept playing out every scenario any longer I’d go crazy.

The situation was challenging enough for me, but there was another aspect that was difficult for me too.

I was the woman Steve was in love with, although I hadn’t told him I loved him, I cared for him deeply. It was so hard to not be part of the biggest events of his life or to even be there in that moment supporting him.  Obviously I wouldn’t be, but still. When you’re in a relationship you’re supposed to love and support each other through everything.

Thankfully he had great friends that were there when baby JT was born.  One of his friends Justine recalled the day…

Justine and baby JT.

Jado and I went to the hospital together that day. She was in labor when we got there and I vividly remember Steve stepping out of the delivery room with tears in his eyes that his son was born! It was one of my favorite days! We went back later that day to see baby JT.

Jado and baby JT. He was here. This sweet baby boy was here. I was happy for Steve because I knew his heart was full of the greatest joy he’d ever known. All the fear, worry and anxiety was silenced by the birth of his son. God had guided him up to this point, surely Steve knew He wouldn’t stop now.

The birth of JT pushed Steve to grown in many ways. As a man, in his faith, and now as a father. He was committed to doing everything he could to love this little dude and to help him be the best he could be by training him up in the ways of the Lord so he would be who God designed him to be.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.  Proverbs 22:6

When we saw each other for the first time, I felt bipolar in my emotions. I could see the joy he had in being a father to his sweet miracle displayed all across his face. I was trying my best not to show my hurt by building him up, asking him questions to show I cared, telling him how happy I was for him and again affirming him that he was going to be such an amazing dad.

What he once feared was now something he embraced and he knew JT was a beautiful blessing from God.

 

This sweet baby boy would change his life…forever.

Steve and JT.

Steve and JT, July 14, 2010

Just remember, I love you.

14 May 2014Uncategorized0 comments

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Today wasn’t just any ordinary day at the gym. I had trained with Steve earlier and then I was going to spend the day relaxing by the pool, or trying to relax I should say.

It was a rough one. The man I cared about was going to be leaving work to have a baby with another woman. I was dreading the moment he would call me saying he was leaving to go to the hospital.

I always wanted the experience of having my first child to be something I shared with my husband.  This was supposed to be an experience for a married us, instead of a non-married them. That plan was out the window. It was hard to swallow the fact that my boyfriend, the man I cared about more than anyone, would be leaving to support another woman in labor.  Is this really my life right now?

I tried to relax and calm my spirit by the pool, but I was restless. I laid on my stomach as tears rolled down my face just thinking about it; breathing slow controlled breaths, trying to get myself to calm down.

I felt sick to my stomach. What if he changes his mind about me? What if the birth of his son is so overwhelming and such a life changing experience that it brings them closer together and he decides he wants to be with her? No, he wouldn’t ever do that…would he?

All the time we’ve spent together, being so happy together, being passionate about the same things, working through the ups and down of the situation, surely that had to be enough?

 

He told me he loved me…surely he meant it.

He meant it.

He loves me.

Steve… loves… me,

and only me.

 

 

My phone rang; I glanced down and saw Steve’s name and picture on my phone.

Pulling myself together I said, “hello?”

“Ash I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving now, and I love you.”

“Okay,” I replied, attempting to hold back my sniffle and tears.

“I will call you when I get back, okay?”

 

“Okay.” I muttered.

 

We hung up. It was happening.

Steve was leaving the gym and the next time I’d see him, he’d be a dad.

I cried, lying on the pool deck, as the commotion of the kids swimming and the upbeat music played in the background. I was anything but upbeat. I wanted crawl into a hole.

 

My phone vibrated, I opened up the text and it read:

 

“Ashley, remember that I love you.”

 

 

 

 

 

Diamonds Are Made Under Pressure

08 May 2014Uncategorized1 comment

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Mid July, was staring me in the face. All of our talk of Steve becoming a dad would soon be a reality. The thoughts, ideas, dreams, and what-ifs would be a thing of the past.

Steve and I were at his town home making dinner together as usual. Our time together seemed to grow more serious. We both were trying to find a balance in the situation.

For me, I was battling being supportive whole-heartedly. I knew I was going to support him the best I could, even though my heart was torn. The day he would become a dad would be a joyful day for him and a heartbreaking one for me. Don’t get me wrong, I would love that little boy with all of my heart, but my dreams were shattered.

I had always dreamed that I’d be sharing the rookie year of parenting with my husband. Instead, my boyfriend would be experiencing this first with another woman. Ouch!

Steve had gotten over the initial shock of being a father. He was so excited to be a dad, yet I knew he struggled with how all of this made me feel. He knew how hurt I was, and was very sensitive to that.

He communicated his feelings for me very clearly to me to thwart off any doubt in my mind about how he felt about me. Having a child with another woman wasn’t going to change his feelings for me, and he flat out told me that.

He wanted to be with me and only me.

 

He checked our food on the stove and said “Ash, come here,” as he motioned me into the kitchen, patted the counter, inviting me to sit down.

 

Okay, I thought. What is he doing?

 

“I just want you to know that I may not always say this to you in the exact same way, or show you in the exact same way, but I just want you to know…” He reached under my legs, pulled open the kitchen drawer and took out a small box.

 

My heart sank…

 

“I love you.”

 

Speechless, I looked down at the box, (with a sigh of relief that it wasn’t a ring), to see a beautiful pair of diamond earrings.

My mind was spinning through the rolodex of responses I could give. I wasn’t sure of what type of response he thought he’d get. Oh my goodness, he just told me he loved me! I can’t say it back; I’m not ready to say it back.

 

“Thank you.”

 

I put my arms around his neck and gave him big a hug.

“That was really thoughtful, thank you.” I proceeded to put the earrings on.

No one had ever bought me diamond earrings before, but it was totally in Steve’s character to be thoughtful and giving. Like the time he bought me my own pair of pink Title boxing gloves.

He was so selfless, and was always willing to help people any way he could. There were so many things I adored about him, far beyond any gift he could ever give me. Would those qualities and my feelings outweigh my fear of this situation?  Was I really going to walk into all of this and choose this life for myself?

Steve made me feel so special that day, yet I knew there would be challenges to come, especially in the days ahead.

 

 

 

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