JT
Hello baby
It had been about three months since we told my parents about JT and today they’d meet him in person.
It was crazy to think how much of a part of my life this little guy was; yet my parents had never witnessed it.
I had taken on the role of being a mom when JT was with Steve and I. By no means was I trying to replace his biological mother, but I was going to do my best to love and care for him, like any good mom would.
This sweetheart really challenged our relationship, not because he was difficult, but because we really had to work together when he was in our care. We had to communicate, coordinate, and operate in a tag team fashion. When one of us was playing with him, the other one would be preparing his food. While one of us was changing his diapers, the other one could take a minute to rest.
Steve was so playful with JT and I could see how much they loved each other. He got a kick out of making him laugh doing the silliest things.
Now changing dirty diapers was a different story. Steve’s stomach couldn’t handle the mess, so I would voluntarily change his diapers. Steve and I complimented each other in our child rearing.
It was May 1, 2011 and my parents arrived at my house and we anxiously awaited the arrival of Steve and JT.
Steve had picked him up and drove to my house. I heard the upstairs door open. I went upstairs to help him carry the diaper bag as my parents anxious awaited seeing JT for the first time.
The three of us came downstairs. One look at JT and my mom got teary-eyed and my dad smiled and I knew that they were hooked!
His sweet baby cheeks, wild hair that couldn’t be tamed and wore a grin identical to his daddy’s…
I was so proud in that moment. I was proud of Steve because he was such a great dad. He would do anything for JT and he worked hard to provide for his son. He loved him so much. He prayed for him, gave him love and attention, taught him things, gave him correction when needed. He took parenting seriously and wanted to instill in him strong Christian values. We prayed before our meals as a family and before feeding JT. He would eventually understand what praying was all about.
My heart was beaming with joy. Not only did I love Steve, but I loved JT. To think that there was a time when I questioned if this life was really what God had planned for me…fast-forward and there we were. My boys and I spending time with my parents, JT’s potential future grand parents!
Steve and I played with JT and shared with my parents what he was like, what he likes to do, his latest achievements in baby world.
My parents took turns holding him and playing with him. JT was checking them out…who are these people?
We had an amazing day as a family that day. JT even fell asleep on my dad’s lap.
This day couldn’t have been any better. I went to bed that night with happy heart that was overflowing with love. God had blown my mind.
Have you had moments in your life, that from the surface didn’t make any sense, but you later realized that what was planned for your life was incredible?
Isaiah 55:8 says: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.
My challenge to you today is to reflect on the perceived rough patches of your life. Perhaps what frustrates or pains you right now could be a blessing that has yet to be discovered.
After all, His ways are not our ways, and your Father knows best.
Time to Spill the Beans
One thing about Steve that I had mentioned before was that he couldn’t keep a secret. In fact, he had told me that he had bought a diamond for my ring already. He had actually told me that during the summer months, and it was now February.
I tried my best to not have a reaction when he told me that. Part of me was excited, as most women would be, because all the wondering of whom was I going to marry could potentially be answered. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be answered forever, right now.
There was just a slight problem.
My parents still didn’t know about JT.
Steve knew that they absolutely had to know about JT before marriage was even an option. Secondly, Steve would have to ask my dad for permission to marry me.
There we were, two mountains staring us in the face. Steve had attempted to tell my dad once before about JT by taking him to a Twins game. Steve didn’t just take my dad to the game, but he had to have the best seats at Target Field, in the Champions Club.
That attempt failed. The two of them ended up talking about me competing in figure competitions. Something my dad wasn’t too fond of.
The next strategy was to tell my parents separately. My mom was in town and she spent the night at my house because my dad was in the hospital.
My dad has had several trips to the hospital for several different reasons. One time my parents even celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary in the hospital after my dad was in a terrible burn accident on the farm.
My mom had gone to church with Mel, Steve and I that day and we went out for lunch after. The plan was to go visit my dad in the hospital after lunch. Both my sister and I knew today would be the day that Steve would finally be able to share the secret we’d been keeping for so long.
There we were sitting at the table having a casual conversation while I was secretly dying inside wondering how in the world are we going to transition from this lighthearted conversation to this bomb of new information.
So it began…
“Jody I have to tell you something…
I have a son.”
“Okay…” she paused, thinking that okay, this child is probably 7 or 8.
“How old is he?” she inquired.
“Seven months old.”
There were several questions that followed. Where does he live, how often do you see him, what is the situation with the mother?
“So basically, you’re a grandma!” he said lightheartedly.
My mom let out a gasp of excitement and she got teary-eyed and I did too. Seeing anyone cry always makes me cry and the fact that part of the weight of keeping this secret was finally somewhat off my shoulders, was a relief.
“You have to tell dad today,” she insisted.
“I don’t want to keep this secret from him and he needs to know. Who knows that you have a son?”
“Mel and Scruff know. I had to tell someone and it was really hard keeping this secret from you guys for so long,” I confessed.
The plan was to go visit my dad in the hospital. Yes, Steve would be telling my dad this news while he was lying in a hospital bed. Steve had asked that he could tell my dad in private.
We arrived and greeted my dad and then us girls left and went to the cafeteria while Steve was alone with my dad. My dad sensed something was up.
“Brian, it’s not what you think it is,” Steve informed. My dad thought he was going to ask for permission to marry me.
“I have a son…”
It was silent for a brief moment, then my dad followed up with similar questions as my mom.
“How old is he?”
“Seven months.”
They both began to cry.
Steve cried because he felt as though he had let my dad down, yet he cried tears of relief and joy—Relief, because he no longer had to hide the secret of his precious son or his love for him and joy because he was such a proud dad. All things were out in the open and he could finally breathe.
“Steve, it’s okay. We’re going to get through this,” my dad assured.
My dad could sense that Steve felt bad because he had longed for the acceptance of my dad, and he knew without it, there’s no way he’d be able to marry me. This news of course caught my dad off-guard. Sure he felt some disappointment, but he responded with love. Complete love.
After sitting in the cafeteria for almost an hour, I finally got a text giving us the go-ahead to return to my dad’s room.
My heart was racing with anxious anticipation of my dad’s response to this news.
I turned the corner and saw my dad sitting in his hospital bed. He turned and looked at me and our eyes met.
One look was all it took as tears streamed down my face. I was sorry for keeping this from him. I too felt that I had let him down, although it was not my news to tell.
“Come here kiddo,” he invited.
“He hugged me and said, “You know I love you right?”
“Yeah…” I sniffled.
“It’s going to be okay.”
I exhaled with relief. My dad reassured me too. I knew it could be okay, but to hear those words cross his lips made me truly believe it. I longed to know that my father would accept Steve, JT and my decision to be with him.
In life we all long for approval. Some times it’s the approval of people whose opinions don’t even matter, because the only opinion that truly matters is Jesus.’
I longed for the approval of both of my parents in this situation, but mainly my father’s.
Both of my parents responded with love. They filled both Steve and I with love, encouragement and gave us peace. By keeping my secret and allowing it to weigh down my heart, I was carrying a burden I didn’t have to. My father already accepted me.
You see, that’s exactly what your Heavenly Father wants you to know. HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU. THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN SEPARATE YOU FROM HIS LOVE.
His Word says:
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39 New International Version (NIV)
This means there is nothing you have done yesterday that can change the depth of God’s love for you. There is nothing you could do today that can change the depth of God’s love for you, AND there is nothing you could do tomorrow that can change the depth of God’s love you.
He loves you fully and completely. He doesn’t hold anything back because He wants you to know that his love is endless, infinite and constant.
Will you lay that heavy burden you are carrying at His feet?
There’s a reason why you don’t feel strong enough to carry it on your own, and that’s because you weren’t designed to carry it.
My challenge for you today is to sift through the garbage of the mind that Satan, the enemy, is trying to get you to buy in to.
Steven Furtick explained it well in his book “Crash the Chatterbox.”
Listen to TRUTH. Stand confident in Christ’s love for you, for in His name, YOU ARE LOVED AND ACCEPTED NOW AND FOREVER.
No One Can Steal Your Joy If You Keep It In Your Heart
This stretch of not seeing JT was painful. Anngie wasn’t cooperating in any way. Steve would reach out to her through text, phone calls and e-mail to try to get some sort of contact with is son and she responded with, “this is my work e-mail address and you are not to contact me during work hours.”
She played games. As most parents know, there’s an unwritten rule about what time is appropriate to communicate between parents about their children. It is ALWAYS appropriate to communicate with each other about your children.
Anngie was difficult. All Steve wanted was to be with his son. Her behavior in her mind was the correct response, but what she was doing was hurtful.
No matter what she’d attempt to do, JT always knew who his daddy was. Nothing Anngie would ever do could ever take that away.
Months went by, and then we finally got to see JT.
He was finally old enough where Steve could pick him up from daycare two days a week and we could be with him for two hours before we had to bring him to his mom’s house.
I loved being with Steve and JT. It was incredible how much they were alike. They smiled the same squinty-eyed smile and had the same joyful demeanor. They even looked alike. JT had the same type of hair when he was about the same age as his dad.
Steve 7 Months
JT 8 Months
It absolutely melted me to watch them interact with each other. To see those two play together and to hear JT giggle with pure joy and love because of his dad was priceless.
I was so thankful when Steve could get time with JT. He didn’t want to be that mystery father who was rarely around or who only showed up on birthdays and holidays. He desired to be there for JT all the time and for as much time as Anngie would allow.
Thankfully the court system was now regulating his parenting time so Steve was guaranteed time with JT and Anngie couldn’t do anything about it.
I prayed that God would turn this whole situation into a peaceful one, in which both sides of the equation could communicate and operate respectfully and selflessly with the best interest of JT in mind.
I know Steve was ready to have peace in his life and he was tired of wrestling with all of this, but there would still be challenges ahead.
You see, life is all about perspective. We cannot worry about people or situations we cannot control. When we’re faced with an uphill battle that is less than desirable we have to surrender it all to Jesus. Satan would love for us to wallow in self-pity and anger. He sucks the life right out of us if we don’t guard our hearts.
Praise Jesus that He already knows what’s going to happen! Even if we’re in a difficult season, we can’t stay in the valley forever. We must trust that His ways are higher than ours and we have to trust in His plan for our lives. Do I like that Anngie is being difficult, NOPE! But I refuse to allow her behavior to ruin my joy.
I’ve learned to lay my cares at Jesus’ feet. I refuse to carry around a burden too heavy for my human heart to bear. 1 Peter 5:7 tell us to “Cast all our cares on him because he cares for you.” God knows Anngie’s heart and I know He has everything in this situation figured out. I’ll continue to lift her up in prayer over this whole situation hoping that some day we can take some healthy steps forward.
WANTED: Freedom to Love
December 24, 2010 would be the last time I’d see baby JT for a long time.
I knew that us having him for Christmas was because his mom Anngie (not her real name) had to work. She wasn’t going to let us have him again.
And when I say we wouldn’t get to see him, she didn’t allow Steve to see him for several months after that day. Previously, Steve was able to go to her house to see JT and this was an agreement that they had, until she unexpectedly flipped a switch. They had not been to court to establish legal agreement about parenting time.
I try to imagine how I would feel if I was her, yet I had no idea what she was like. How would I feel if I became pregnant and ended up not being with the father? I often wondered what her voice sounded like, how she carried herself, her attitude and what she was like. I can imagine she was bitter in this situation because she was not with the father of her child. Perhaps that was her dream and now the father of her child was with someone else, someone younger, which I imagine had to sting. Anngie was older than Steve, five years older to be exact.
For legal purposes and for his own well-being, Steve completed a paternity test. He was JT’s father. Both Anngie and Steve completed paperwork for child support and what they call “parent visitation” time.
It always sounded so ridiculous to me that it was called “parenting time” because it made it sound more like an obligation rather than a privilege. Steve’s time with his son was never an obligation. He always beamed after spending time with him. I could see and feel the love he had for JT. He wanted to spend more time with him, but unfortunately the time he’d spend with JT above his designated “parenting time” would all be determined by Anngie. The ball was in her court and she maintained offensive possession the whole time.
In my opinion, Anngie was hurt and angry. As sad as it is, some parents use their children as leverage in situations when they do not get along. I don’t ever think that is right or fair to the child. Sometimes these same parents try to pass their behavior off as “protecting their child” and in this situation, protection wasn’t warranted. JT wasn’t in danger.
Steve was the type of dad that loved his son with everything he had. He longed to spend more time with him, to be there for him, to provide for him, to guide him and to raise him up in Christ, and to be the father figure that all children need.
The amount of time Steve would get to spend with JT would be determined by a judge in a courtroom up until the age of two. After that, they would go to mediation and try to reach an agreement with a parenting consultant.
There would be no agreement. Anngie would drag her feet to delay an increase in parenting time. Anngie had control of that situation, but she had no control of the one thing she wanted, Steve.
She couldn’t control his feelings, who he loved and who he wanted to be with and if she couldn’t have Steve, Steve wouldn’t have JT either.
Our First Christmas
Fall came and went, and Christmas was just right around the corner.
I love Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday, and no, not because of the gifts. I love Christmas because it’s the time of year when I get to see all of my relatives and I get to have quality time with my family and celebrate the birth of Jesus.
This year would be different though. I would be celebrating in a way that I would have never imagined.
It was December 2010, this would be baby JT’s first Christmas and he’d be spending it with us.
This would be the first time Steve would have JT on his own, in his house. This was also the first time I’d meet baby JT.
Up until this point, what I knew of JT was the stories and pictures that Steve had shared with me. I had imagined for so long, what he’d be like, how he would respond when he first saw me. I was happy that this day was finally here, yet I was torn because my parents still didn’t know about him. I was still keeping him a secret from my parents and it was hard not to share everything about this day with them.
This was a major milestone in our relationship because JT would physically be a reality to me. He’d no longer be a babe I’d have to imagine or wonder about, but I’d be able to see him and interact with him for the first time.
I have to admit I was a little nervous because I felt like meeting JT meant that I was “all in” with this relationship, when to be honest, I was still wrapping my head around how I truly felt about everything.
I didn’t know if being a step-mom was in God’s plan for my life. I had never imagined that would be a role that I’d have, yet I couldn’t help but imagine if this was our family. I had to truly think about and more so, pray about if this was right for me.
I never pictured myself dating anyone that had had sex before, much less had a child. Here I was, doing exactly what I never thought I’d do. I went round and round with these thoughts and worries in my head. I had wished so many times there was a clear cut answer.
Steve’s mom Lisa spent the night at JT’s mom’s house the night before we’d have him for Christmas since JT’s mom had to work early the next morning.
I went over to Steve’s early that day to prepare for our Christmas with Steve’s parents and his roommate Chris. I organized and got things ready while Steve went to pick up his mom and JT.
It felt like he was gone forever as I paced around his town home trying to find something to keep me busy.
I heard the front door open and in walked Steve’s mom, Steve, and in his hands was this sweet babe zipped up in his cozy little snowsuit.
He was about five and a half months old with light blonde hair that couldn’t be tamed. He had the same squinty-eyed smile as his dad.
“Can I hold him?” I asked.
“Of Course,” Steve said.
I couldn’t believe it. I was finally holding this sweet baby boy that I had listened to Steve talk about so many times. He was here and finally I didn’t have to imagine him any longer. He was sweet, joyful and irresistibly lovable. I was already in love with him.
It was time to feed JT a bottle. Steve being the new dad that he was, forgot the milk at JT’s mom’s house.
We bundled JT back up and into the car we went. Steve, his mom Lisa, myself and baby JT making 30 minute drive in the snow.
We could finally spend the day together. We enjoyed great food, opened gifts, and I even got to rock JT to sleep.
This was a perfect day. I was happy to meet JT and that both Steve and I could have him at his house. Of course a baby is easy to love, but I needed to make sure my love for this child didn’t cloud my judgement.
I continued to pray about the whole situation, waiting for an answer.
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