I was silent.

 

Thoughts were riffling through my mind.

How could this be?

When did this happen?

I thought we were on the same page?

This wasn’t what I wanted. Surely he knew that.

What was he thinking?

 

We walked in silence. What had been an evening of joy and laughter quickly turned into confusion, hurt and disbelief.

He didn’t try to fill the conversational void by justify anything about the situation. He didn’t give me any excuses.

We walked up his driveway into his townhouse and sat down on the couch.

Why was this happening? Why was it that I found myself in another situation where I felt like I was again, being faced with dealing with the repercussions of someone else’s decisions? Why couldn’t things be simple?

Things were going so well. There always had to be something. Something I’d have to be accepting of or that I’d “deal with.”

Maybe Steve wasn’t who I thought he was…

I was crushed. I didn’t even know what to say and I didn’t say a word for a long time.

Steve didn’t know what to do.  I could see he wasn’t sure whether to hug me, hold my hand, or if he should keep his distance.

 

Tears streamed down my stoic face.  I was in a daze.

He sat by my side and put his hand on mine.

I wiped my tears.

 

“Ash, I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you sooner but I wanted to be sure about us.”

 

Steve was sincere in his apology and he apologized several times. I believed him, and I believed in him, but it didn’t make this news any easier to take. I was hurt and I felt betrayed. How could he leave me in the dark about something so huge? Who else knew? How many people had I met that knew he was going to be a dad and I didn’t even know? For crying out loud, I was dating him and I didn’t even know?

 

My gaze shifted from a far off place, to his face.

“I know you’re sorry and I believe you… I’m feeling a lot of different emotions right now.”

I told him exactly how I felt.

Hurt. Betrayed. Deceived. Confused. Sad. Disappointed. Upset. Crushed.

His eyes welled up, and  we were both crying. We wiped each other’s tears.

It was then I felt God nudging me to say something… He filled me with compassion, and gave me the words that God knew Steve needed to hear in that moment.

“Steve, you’re going to be such a great dad.”

He smiled a little, sniffled, and breathed a sigh of relief. Those words made him tear up even more. It was as if hearing those simple words provided him with the heavenly assurance he needed to hear and the load of his secret had been lifted off his shoulders.

We were now comforting each other. He knew I was completely crushed and I knew he was terrified.

I asked him questions about what had happened. Who was this other woman? When did this happen? What was his plan? And a bunch of other questions I won’t re-hash online.

I could see how shaken he was by the reality of what being a father meant for his life. Major changes were coming whether he was ready for them or not.

Again I wiped my tears. My heart had just taken a devastating blow.

I wasn’t angry with him, but I knew we had just hit a major fork in the road.